Things were looking really good for Ariana Grande. She has tons of hit songs, she's starring in one of the fall's most hotly anticipated TV shows and her ponytail has never been higher or smoother.
Until one split-second bad decision changed everything. This Saturday night, the "Problem" singer was at a donut shop with one of her backup dancers when an innocent trip for late-night munchies turned criminal. Grande and her co-conspirator, backup dancer Ricky Alvarez, were caught on videotape shouting anti-American propaganda and then—brace yourself—licking a display of donuts. And not just regular licking, but "maliciously licking." And not just regular donuts, donuts that were then sold to innocent customers.
The two near-felons probably thought they were going to get away with their baked good hate crime, until the security footage was released for all to see. And "all" includes the Lake Elsinore, Calif. police department, which is now investigating the incident.
But now we ask: Was it one split-second decision? Is it possible that she's been on the wrong path for years now, riding along a downward spiral that could only end in committing tongue-on-donut crime? That's what we're here to investigate.
Let's start at the beginning. But not the real beginning, because that's boring (does anyone really care about five years of Nickelodeon shows? Didn't think so.) We're talking the Justin-Bieber-friendship kind of beginning. In 2013 she joined the wayward star for several stops on his "Believe" tour and that's, as the saying goes, when the trouble began. We did a deep dive into Ariana's past and pinpointed incidents that we believe turned this sweet little girl into a woman on the verge.
The first misstep? Getting a tattoo. Sure, lots of celebrities get inked, but do they get inked on the back of their necks? It's basically the tramp stamp of the upper thoracic region. And choosing the French translation of the phrase "a thousand tenderness's?" We know what you really mean by "tenderness," Ariana. We're onto you girl.
Then, in August 2014, Grande admitted to Billboard magazine that as a child her mom "thought I might grow up to be a serial killer.," adding that as a little girl she was "dark and deranged" and had a fascination with Freddie Krueger masks and skeleton face paint. How's that for foreshadowing? Because clearly "serial killer" could also mean "serial donut licker." The singer also mentioned to the mag that she is hypoglycemic, and that she could "turn into the Tasmanian Devil," without sugar, presumably. Clues!
The troubling patterns would only continue from there. Like when she released the sexy Christmas song "Santa Tell Me." Because the words "sexy" and "Christmas song" should never be found in the same sentence, and especially not when combined with the lyrics "Now I need someone to hold/ Be my fire in the cold." Shudder.
It was that same winter that Ariana Grande forgot how to use her legs. Pictures began to surface everywhere of her being carried, prompting rumors that Ariana was not, in fact, the adult woman that she was originally thought to be, but rather an actual human baby. Which meant that Big Sean, main Ariana Grande carrier, might not be her boyfriend but her father. It seemed a legitimate theory at the time, but could a baby be capable of committing anti-American tongue-on-donut crime? Probably not.
Her judgment comes into question around the time, too. After all, she was dating Big Sean—a man that described her as a "million-dollar chick with a billion-dollar p---y." Avert your eyes, America, because we've got a vandal in the making. Sure, she had the good sense to break up with him, but that positive choice was but a blip on the radar. Radar that included, barely a month ago, a night of (gasp!) sucking helium balloons with such troublemakers as Niall Horan. You know what they say...one day you're sucking helium, the next day you're committing baked goods felonies.
So there you have it: We've solved The Mystery of Ariana Grande. Perhaps this scandal isn't even her fault—after all, when you start out life wearing a Freddie Krueger mask, there's really no other path to take. Our hearts are with you, Ariana Grande, and here's hoping you can one day live a life in which no donuts are ever harmed.
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